The Line That Divides

Yesterday, after a six-week visit, my mother returned to Winnipeg, a tiny frozen speck in Manitoba, Canada. I felt badly as I drove her to the airport, knowing that when the plane touched down, she’d be stepping out to breathe in air that was 99 degrees Fahrenheit colder than it was in Austin. (No joke, not funny.)

It’s not fair that Americans are languishing in the warmth while Canadians are suffering. Something must be done. President-elect Barack Obama seems like an approachable chap, so in order to assuage my guilt over sending my mother to the deepfreeze, I think I’ll have a chat with him during this time of great change in the US of A. I’ll keep it light and breezy, and maybe I’ll be able to score a coup for my friends in the Great White North by giving them easier access to warmer temperatures during the Canadian winter (which for those who don’t know is September to May). “Barack, my good man,” I’ll say, “let’s change the border between the States and Canuckville to a vertical one instead of horizontal.” Makes better sense, doesn’t it? Why shouldn’t all North Americans have year-round access to places that aren’t covered in 10 feet of snow?

In the new North America, Canada will be located in the eastern half of the land mass. This wouldn’t cause much confusion, as most of Florida is already populated with Canadians anyhow. And, by putting Canada in the east, we’ll contain all the really funny accents, both Canadian and American, in one country. (Oh, how I scheme to trick my Boston-born husband into saying “four more floorboards for the porch,” phonetically translated as foh-wah moh-wah floh-wahbohwards foh-wah the pohwach.) We'll let USA occupy the western half, thereby giving Americans easier access to Alaska. So far, so good, eh?

But wait! There are even more benefits to be derived from my simple scheme. Once the border is switched, and Canadians migrate en masse to the southern half of the continent in an attempt to thaw out their toes, what we currently call Canada will be virtually empty. That land mass can then be turned into a wilderness preserve. We can take all of the animals that are in the present-day US and ship them north, letting them romp around at will, thus delighting environmentalists. Also, with the added weight of the population on the southeastern part of the continent, the axis of the world may shift, which may reduce the ill effects of global warming. (Okay, so I haven’t worked out all the science on this one yet.)

I know there are many major problems that Obama will have to address in the coming weeks: the continuing crisis in the Middle East, the horrific state of the economy, whether or not his mother-in-law is moving into the White House. So I plan to get this border issue solved toute suite. Pack your poutine, my little Canuckleheads! By the time Monsieur Obama parks himself in the Oval Office, you’ll be parka-free at last, and ready to play hockey and drink good beer in the sunshine! Oh, and don't forget to bring some maple syrup, the healthcare system, and clean water. We’re a little short of those down here.