A Whole New Path

It’s the start of a new year, but some things haven’t changed. I continue, for example, to walk my dog Katy daily.

We take the same path every day, and every time we pass a certain corner, Katy wants to roll in one piece of crap she’s discovered. I don’t understand her attraction to this particular piece of poop…it’s tiny, dried up, and you’d really have to go out of your way to even find it. She thinks it’s very special, however, and doesn’t have the same reaction to any other piece of turd that we may find along our trail. It amuses me that she has the same reaction to it day after day, but I always prevent her from fulfilling her wish to wallow in it.

I spend a lot of time thinking as we walk, and I’ve wondered about her motivation…Why would she want to do such a disgusting thing? Why would she want to roll about in something so distasteful? Then, as I walked a bit further, I remembered a nightmarish relationship I was in five years ago. Friends had seen the truth before I did, and had tried to convince me that continuing my relationship with Bill was causing me great damage, but I’d hear nothing of it. Despite Bill’s cruelty, I still kept going back for more. No matter how many tears he caused, no matter how much pain he created, I accepted his attention, no matter how ugly it got, day after day for nine months.

Yes, I knew in my heart at the time that Bill was trouble, but I was drawn to him anyhow. Eventually, his horrendous behavior went too far, and I finally heard the message that this relationship was destroying me. And even though the relationship stunk, I still had to learn how to stop wanting to be with him. It took me a long time to re-evaluate my self-worth, to realize that I deserved so much better than what this emotionally and mentally abusive man heaped on me. I forced myself to examine what it was that was lacking in me that caused me not only to seek such a man but also to accept him into my life and demonstrate such willingness to take whatever he dished out.

After much soul-searching, I decided that I had a right to be happy, that I was worthy of a man who would treat me with respect, and that if I wanted a relationship to be part of my life, I would accept only someone who was kind above all, who elevated my self-worth not by the car he drove or the clothes he wore, but with his warmth and love. I looked at relationships in a whole new light, and eventually I found the man I was looking for; we’ve been happily married for nearly two years now. However, I know that if it hadn’t been for Bill, I wouldn’t have forced myself to sit down and re-think my strategies about what kind of person was worth my time.

Today, I finally allowed Katy to roll in that piece of dried-up doodoo. It left no mark on her, and I simply gave her a bath as soon as we got home. No matter how much crap we experience, we can always wash away the past and start fresh.